Dara and I went on a three-day beach trip to clarify the vision for Center City Church in 2014. The church we planted in 2010 was firmly rooted in the Uptown Charlotte community at that point. The idea was to break away, enjoy time together, and prayerfully consider the way we would articulate the vision and values of our beautiful church family.
We returned home three days later with a family mission statement and five family values.
Huge Post-It Notes are one of my love languages. You know the kind that you can stick on the wall and see from across the room? Those are the ones. I brought a massive pack of them with us to the beach, fully anticipating that we would fill them with creative ideas that would bring clarity to all that God placed in our heart for our church family.
However, every time we started to pray about our church, God kept bringing our marriage and our children to the forefront of our prayers. Dara and I spent an entire morning in prayer. The same thing kept repeating all morning.
Our marriage. Max, Mary, Jack, and Ben (our children).
We decided to grab an early lunch to discuss what was going on in our hearts. It was becoming increasingly clear to both of us that this retreat was about our family before it was about our church.
I remember telling Dara that I sensed the Holy Spirit really nudging my heart. I say nudging because I still don’t know exactly how to describe moments when I think God is speaking to me. “We can’t have a healthy vision for our church family until we have a clear vision for our family,” I said to her across a half-eaten basket of warm cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster.
Instead of crafting vision and values for our family, we embarked on a journey that resulted in a family mission statement and five family values that we use to this day.
Docusen Family Mission Statement:
The Docusens choose Jesus and share his love with others.
Docusen Family Values
Faith / Unity / Discipline / Generosity / Adventure
Dara and I returned from lunch with clear focus. We french-pressed some coffee and I borrowed a vision exercise from my friend, Dr. Chris Owen. I wrote the words SEE, FEEL, and HEAR in all caps across the top of three Post-It Notes and hung them on the wall.
“Dara,” I said, “Let’s forget about trying to figure out the mission statement and the values right now. Let’s just have some fun and describe the visceral things that we want to see, feel, and hear in our home as the kids continue to grow up.” Two hours later, the three post it notes were absolutely loaded with practical things that we wanted to experience in our home.
Some of the things that ended up on our list included:
- Friends around our fire pit.
- Our children reading the Bible without prompting.
- Good books in the hands of our kids.
- The rumble of kids running across the house upstairs.
- Prayers from our kids to Jesus.
- The presence of the Holy Spirit.
- The warmth of love.
When we crammed as many descriptive words as we possibly could onto the Post-It Notes, we decided to take a break and enjoy a walk on the beach. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there needs to be a healthy balance between work and rest. This is true when you’re trying to discover and create family values, as well.
We returned an hour later refreshed. We started a new Post-It Note with the words FAMILY VALUES scribbled across the top of the page. I used a different color marker to start circling words that seemed to go together. I used a green Sharpie for the words that seemed to talk about our desire to see our kids sharing and anything related to generosity. I used a purple Sharpie to circle everything that had to do with God, Jesus, discipleship, and the presence and power of the Holy Spirit.
We were gaining momentum.
Dara asked a question somewhere along the way that became a guiding principle through the entire exercise. She said, “What do we want to invest into our kids by the time they are eighteen years old and ready to take on a new chapter outside of our home?”
She always asks the best questions.
As we explored our desire to have a simple statement that we could memorize as a family for our mission statement, we kept being drawn to the simplicity of the greatest commandment in Mark 12:28-34 to love God and neighbors. The Docusens choose Jesus and share his love with others is simply an adaptation of the greatest commandment.
I firmly believe that we did not create our five family values. We discovered values that were already intrinsically important to us as a family. We were simply finally taking the time to slow down, pray, and consider the things that were important to us. Faith, unity, discipline, generosity, and adventure jumped off the pages as we looked a wall full of things that we wanted to see, feel, and hear in our home. We didn’t create these characteristics and bring them home to our kids. They were already alive and well in and through our family.
“We should make a picture,” Dara said.
“What do you mean?” I replied.
“It’s always easier to remember things when you have a picture,” she continued. “You have always been drawn to pictures of huge sail boats. Let’s connect our family values to a picture of a huge ship.”
Side note: I really do love pictures of huge sail boats.
I have always been fascinated by the fact that you can’t see the wind but that is what powers sail boats. The sailors have to raise the sails into the wind and work with the thing they cannot see to get to their destination. Sail boats have always reminded me of my relationship with the Holy Spirit. I cannot see the presence of God, technically, but I feel the Holy Spirit leading and guiding me. Click here if you want to read more about my love for ships and how it speaks to my relationship with Jesus.
“I love this idea,” I said with a huge smile on my face.
An hour later, we had our picture:
An anchor represents our faith.
A sailor’s knot represents unity.
A sailor’s wheel represents discipline.
An open treasure chest represents generosity.
The ship itself – wind in its’ sails – represents adventure.
“We need definitions now,” Dara said with a very serious we are doing this look on her face. “It’s great to have the images that they can remember, but we need simple definitions for the kids to know what each of these things mean to us as a family.”
I agreed, and another part of the journey toward clarifying the Docusen Family Values began. Here’s where we landed:
Faith – We choose Jesus.
Unity – With each other and for each other.
Generosity – We give joyfully.
Discipline – Our choices matter.
Adventure – We find and create moments.
This is the point of this blog post where my children may experience a bit of revisionist history. They are all old enough to read and if they choose to read their dad’s blog, this could lead to some interesting conversations at home. Alas, I am doing this to help people, so the truth has to come out.
Dara and I returned home with a list of five family values and a family mission statement. However, we went out and bought some snacks and hot chocolate and re-engaged in the entire exercise, huge Post-It Notes and all. SEE. FEEL. HEAR.
We asked the kids to describe the type of home they wanted to have and what was important to them. I circled the similar items and we eventually landed on five family values that were – shockingly – exactly the same as the ones Dara and I came up with at the beach.
However, Ben (four years old at the time) was absolutely adamant that two more needed to be added: ice cream and cute. They didn’t make the official list, but we still laugh about his submission to this day.
I don’t think our family values perfectly capture every aspect of our family. However, we have experienced the benefit of taking the time to discover and create family values and a mission statement that we use on a regular basis. Our values articulate the best of who we want to be and become as individuals and as a family.
- When we started teaching the kids about tithing, we connected it back to our value of generosity.
- When there are disagreement between any members of our family, we recall the moment where we all agreed that we are with each other and for each other and that we would pursue unity.
- When we talk about tough choices between what we need and what we want, we talk about having discipline.
- When we get nervous about trying something new or experiencing an unfamiliar place, we talk about our shared value of the spirit of adventure.
- Finally, and most importantly, we talk regularly (and I pray over them nightly) that they will choose Jesus and share his love with others. We all choose daily that faith is our anchor.
If you had huge Post-It Notes on your wall, what would fill your pages of things that you want to see, feel, and hear for your family? There’s no magic number in five values. Faith, unity, discipline, generosity, and adventure just made sense to us.
What image can become the prevailing metaphor for your family values? Maybe you like cars and can make up a bunch of metaphors about parts of a car that can take your family on the journey of life. That’s the fun in creating the framework for your family… it’s totally up to you.
Our family is stronger because we took the time and made intentional space for discovering and creating family values and a family mission statement.
Maybe your list starts with ice cream and cute and ends up somewhere that makes sense for your family. I would love to hear your story if you choose to do the same!