Six months ago I found myself laying on a doctors table with cords attached to my chest. The doctors were testing my heart to see if I was on the verge of having a heart attack. It seems that the stress of raising our salary and constantly worrying about where it would come from had finally caught up with me.
I remember laying there thinking “this is no way to live.” In all actuality, I was dying. Not just in my spirit, but the doctors told me that the stress was quite literally constricting my lungs. I had a moment with God that day that was very raw, very real and very honest. I decided (through yelling, screaming and tears) that if God promised to take care of the birds of the air and that he loved me so much more than birds, (Matthew 6:25-27) that I was going to let go. I wasn’t going to worry anymore. I think my prayer probably sounded like a frustrated and bitter teenager, but it was real. I had decided at that point to let go. For the past six months I have lived in a state of genuine trust and belief that God would provide.
Here’s the funny thing about letting go: you can pick things back up.
After we decided to take another huge step of faith and plant Center City Church in the fall, I began to feel the same stress that God released me from that day on the doctor’s table. I felt my chest constricting. I kept taking deep breaths (something I do when I get stressed). I began to worry about my paycheck for this month and the months to come. I began to stress about another season of fundraising that is ahead of us to launch Center City. I picked back up the same thing that I had placed in God’s hands six months ago.
I looked at Dara last night and asked her how she was doing. She looked back at me peacefully and said something I will never forget. “You know how Max (our five year old) always gets in trouble for doing the same silly things over and over again? You would think by now he would learn. Do you think that God wonders why you continue to stress over the same things that he has provided for over the last 15 months.”
Thank you, Dara. Something clicked last night and released today as I was driving around Charlotte praying and listening to worship music. I choose to let go today. I choose to trust God with my life, family and ministry. I choose to trust God. He has never once failed me and the same will be true of today and the days to come. My family, finances and ministry are much more secure in the hands of God.
I’m letting go.